Paradox
by jacobblack'sgirl
Summary: Leah as she begins to move on. Ignores BD.


Hey guys. Sorry about the long wait, I just got back from spending a month overseas. This is a general update on everything.

Cages: I'm working through a plot difficulty right now. I know what's going to happen, I just have to figure how to MAKE it happen. So it's not a what but a how.

Blood Lust: I'm going to churn out another chapter soon; I just have to get caught up with schoolwork.

And finally I'm starting a new story, I'm just not promising regular updates. I have the first chapter done but I have to edit it.

This is sort of a request and sort of an adaptation of an old (not very good) story I was working on a year ago. I've always thought that no matter how much you love someone, if they hurt you enough, you'll start to hate them. This applies to both Sam and Emily; I would think Emily more so because Sam had no choice and after her transformation Leah would see that very clearly. Emily did though; she could have chosen not to start that friendship with Sam. So in my mind Leah would hate Emily ten times more then Sam.

Also, Leah is very proud and she hates for people to see her humiliated, the pack and Emily have seen way more of that then anyone else so she would naturally push them away. But still she would crave the companionship they give her, the bond that they all share. Anyway, so many people have asked that The Right to Die be turned into a story (keep in mind I think four is a lot) that I decided to write this, since there was really no way I could continue with the one shot. So here it is. As always, reviews are highly encouraged, maybe even demanded. ;-) Thanks to everyone who reviewed The Right to Die and liked my tortured, angsty Leah.

Prologue

The wind whispers through my open window, bringing with it the empty tang of loss. He is out there somewhere, running free. I should be there, racing the wind with the rest of them, basking in his presence even as it cuts me to the bone, feeling the sting of humiliation as they learn my every thought.

It is funny what a hold he has on me; even now I can't disobey him. Even though I am not his and he is not mine and theoretically, we mean nothing to each other. Now it is stronger, I can't, physically cannot, go against him. It is humiliating and degrading; I would suffer through a thousand years of it if it meant he was near me.

I fully realize how pathetic I am; still, at least I get up in the morning and face the day. Maybe not with a smile but I am not comatose anymore and the mere mention of his name does not make me wince. Surely that counts for something, doesn't it?

God, I feel trapped. _Mind is pacing; heart is racing, contemplating things that I lack…_It is the full moon tonight and I should be outside, howling to the stars. Instead I am inside, my mother's sharp command hemming me in, Sam adding his deep Alpha baritone for emphasis. It funny how they restrain me now, keeping me under lock and key, letting me go only so I can slip into another skin and run wild through the forest.

Before they felt no need to do this and I wonder if it is the new monster, the animal inside of me that scares them all. Still, they should be wary. I may be the only bitch in a pack of males but I am the wildest of them all. I may be only partially there but I live and have lived more then they ever dreamed of. I am a strange paradox, first of my kind and part of an ancient line. Alone surrounded by my pack, female where I should be male. Running away from the only thing I want to be close to.

It makes my head ache, thinking of this and I want to go, away anywhere. There is a knock on the front door. It is one of us, the musky forest smell, the sharp sour of a young male. It is him, with his special scent and the smell of her still floating off him. My mother answers the door, she tries to speak softly but there is no sound I can't hear. "She's not happy. It's been a difficult night." He answers with a rumble that rolls through the floor and up my legs. "I know Sue, but we all needed a night off."

Suddenly I am furious, that they would mock me like that, restrain me and then insult me. I feel a familiar fire in my bones and a sharp rip in my spine. I breathe in and then out, willing the ache to go away. And just like that it does. I smile, I am getting better. My mother's voice comes down the hall. "Leah, come here. Sam wants to see you." I fume; she knows that I cannot leave my room. She asked Sam to make sure of that before he left.

Somehow it hurts me that Sam remembers, that I do not have the satisfaction of reminding him and seeing hurt blossom on his face like a bruise. "Leah, you can come out." He says in an echoing double voice. He is the Alpha and I must obey. I come, because it would be self-defeating to stay in my room but I take my time about it. By the time I get to the door my mother is fidgeting and I can feel my self spark with anger.

"What do you want, Sam?" I ask, each word a knife and predictably he flinches. No human would see it but I do, it the slightest of quivers that shakes his whole body. My mother walks off, her duty done and I am left alone with him. "Just to tell you that you can go now." I snarl before I realize it, a vibration of my anger in my throat, a threat in the curl of my lip. I swallow it down, as I have done so many times before and walk past him. He closes the door and follows on my heels. I want to scream. Doesn't he realize I just want to be alone, to lick my wounds in peace?

"Lee-Lee." He says quietly, a supplicant begging for mercy on Mother Mary's alter. I have always hated religion. I stop and let my snarl go, a growl that has grown and changed. It is bone chilling, even I am startled by the ferocity of it, and Sam quickly turns and walks away, not willing to fight me tonight. I walk a few more yards, blinded by tears that come from nowhere, this happens all too often these days. Then I carefully take off my clothes and fold them, hiding them under a bush.

I stand and sigh as the wind caresses me, a thousand soothing hands. They feel like his. I drop in a runner's position, leaning forward against the wind and begin to count down. Then I go. I am running now, faster then any of them and there is no creature in the world who could catch me tonight. I will dance for Mother Moon and howl out the frenzy in my blood. I run faster and faster, feeling the air sting my eyes and whip my hair into a fury. Then, when I can't bear it any long, I change. My body elongates and shifts into something more. I am a wolf now, I am free.

There are others out there, Embry and Jared but they have seen the evening through my eyes and felt the madness in my body, they are wary. It is fitting somehow, that I am alone. We have severed the connection as much as we can and now I dance, a wild wolf dance and I howl to the smiling moon and I run far away. It is morning when I come back to myself and start the long trek home. My body is heavy and strange now, like I have lost something.

I don't want to love him but then I don't want to stop.

They have all gathered by the time I return and I groan. I have forgotten the pack meeting Sam calls every Sunday. _Run Leah, Run. _Paul taunts me; I open myself to the hatred always simmering below the surface and unleash it. They all shut up, leaving me mostly alone with my thoughts. I think of my night of freedom, regretfully putting it in a box and saving it for days when I am trapped.

When I reach the clearing I slow down, entering regally, and I allow myself a small smirk. That was faster then any of them could have managed. _Only because you're smaller. Less body mass, more speed. _Jared points out. I snarl; I hate being reminded of my size. _Enough, Leah…just don't talk. _Sam sighs. _I'm not talking. _I say and Sam snarls, a reminder of his superiority, I snarl back because two can play at that game. Sam decides to ignore me and gets on with it.

_Okay, there's only one thing I wanted to talk about. This is a fairly large pack, the ten of us and to tell you the truth we really don't need this many. _Sam starts and Jacob breaks in.

_So what? What if more vampires come back? I know B-…the leeches are gone but this has been their home for quite a few years. There's always going to be a vampire presence here. _Jacob stops, thoughts flashing, and they all try to catch what he's really getting at. I snort, it's so predictable. He thinks the leech lover is going to come back and he wants to be here when she does.

They all look at me, angry at my callousness. I take this as my cue. _So why don't some of us just leave. Get out of this dump and get a life. _

_That's was what I was saying. _Sam replies calmly. My time in the spotlight is done; I lie down and think about collages I could apply to. _So then, four of us leave and the other six stay. _Sam finishes. I perk up and mentally sort out who would go and who would stay. Sam, Jared, Quil, and Jacob are all obviously staying. Embry wouldn't want to leave his friends and Paul…Paul is an unknown. Seth has spent his whole life saying that he'll never leave the rez, and Brady and Colin are too young to leave anyway. And that leaves me.

This flashes through all of our heads faster then it would take to say my name. _Yeah, Leah. I guess you're the only one going. Unless… _Sam trails off hopefully. No one else volunteers to go. I stand up, smiling. Finally, I will leave this shit hole. I will leave him, I w ill leave her, I will leave the pack, I will leave my family. I will be free, and that is all I have ever wanted.

The others turn away, disgusted, and trot towards home. I stand there for a few minutes, feeling the wind blow across my ears before I run towards my clothes. A whole new world has opened up to me and I am still reeling from the shock. Finally I won't have to see her face anymore.


End file.
